With my 900 Hour Certification course coming to a close, I am starting to feel the stress of feeling like I need to move on to the next thing. During this time, I have fought depression, feeling like something is going to go wrong and still trying to figure out exactly what I am going to do with my certification. My ultimate dream is to teach regular batches for people to learn the basics of yoga so that they can take those lessons outside of the studio and help spread all of what yoga is. Then, I would like to train others to be teachers to help spread the message.

I have doubts regarding what it’s going to be like when I return to the United States. I have been dreading this change so much that I am making plans to come back and just travel. I feel like I still have a lot of soul searching to do. I am completely a different person than I was three years ago but have fear that leaving here and being put back into my old environment is going to trigger the old feelings of wanting to die and sheer helplessness.

These feelings persist and are observed like they are happening to someone else but that someone else is still me. I can’t imagine going back to St. Joseph and working where there is no where to go and progression to be made. This is opposite of where I have come from. The captain of that ship is travelling full speed ahead but not telling anyone where they are going. He actually finds this humorous because for the first time in his life he has power and control over people. I hate even talking this way but thinking about this life ending is triggering all of these emotions.

I have so much fear of everything going back to the way it was. I have so much anger that nothing has changed to where I dread going back to that place. It is like you have found where you belong and you don’t get to stay there. The person that I have been trying to make plans with has a sick mother in the states and his attention is, rightly, more focused on that. I have already stated that I am not going to move back to St Joseph but I find myself following someone and doing just that.

This is such a negative entry, for this, I apologize. This weekend was full of silent thoughts of negativity about my life not moving in the direction that I want it to. There are moments where I feel like I am right back in the fall of 2005 and there other moments that I know that I am way better than that. I feel like no matter the opportunity that comes my way that I am not good enough or the opportunity is not good enough. I have idea how to explain that.