Another week has commenced, marking another day closer to my eagerly anticipated return home. As I reflected in my previous entry, the mix of excitement and apprehension surrounding my impending homecoming persists, largely due to the myriad of opportunities and unknowns that lie ahead both personally and professionally. The prospect of redirecting my efforts toward an arts organization occupies my mind extensively, shaping my thoughts and aspirations.

I had an incredibly thought-provoking session with my therapist where I bravely bared my soul, delving into a comprehensive list of my deepest fears surrounding this monumental change in my life. The paradox of feeling more liberated in a foreign land than in the supposed sanctuary of my own 'home' perplexed me deeply. In response, my therapist astutely proposed that I reframe my apprehension of the unfamiliar as a sense of curiosity. Although I strive to embrace this perspective, I find myself ensnared by a relentless onslaught of doubts about my deservingness, competence, and resilience.

Many past experiences have led me to understand that the challenges I have encountered in my life are rooted in discrimination against my sexuality, talent level, and neglect, and have also been exacerbated by jealousy from others. In the face of these adversities, I have made the conscious decision to forgive, showcasing my resilience and unwavering determination to push forward. Throughout my journey, I have repeatedly come across individuals who have displayed genuine revulsion toward my true self by calling me a faggot, despite my inherent kindness and optimistic demeanor. Some people feel I shouldn’t excel because I am less than or below them. To be honest, I believe this is the main issue surrounding the relationship with my father.

No matter what I do or what I achieve, it is never fully realized. I can emcee an event with charismatic flair, meticulously organize all the entertainment, painstakingly select the decorations, and oversee flawless implementation, yet it is still regarded as ‘maybe’ helped. There is no victorious moment, and I find myself at an age where I am compelled to seek my own approval before seeking validation from someone who may not be capable of truly loving me. This struggle is not unique, as I have come to understand that many relationships between parents and their children are inherently complex. After all, I carry with me the weight of not feeling wanted from the very beginning and all I became was a problem.

I have spent years relentlessly running through life, tirelessly seeking and poignantly conquering opportunity after opportunity. I have traversed from city to state to city to country, amassing a wealth of awards and recognition along the way. Despite my outward success, I have constantly grappled with a pervasive sense of unworthiness and emptiness. Hours, days, and months have been consumed by futilely assigning blame – to myself, to others, to circumstance. Nevertheless, there comes a time when I must confront the reality before me, turn the page, and embark on a new chapter. Although I have made strides in releasing the shackles of pre-2021 failures, I find myself repeatedly entangled in familiar lessons dressed in new guises, encountering diverse individuals and situations yet grappling with the same unresolved enigmas. What an enigma this is!

In most examples, I can firmly stand in the belief that I have consistently done the right thing. I approached various situations with genuine kindness and treated individuals with the utmost dignity and compassion. Moreover, I have lent my unwavering support to those who have felt victimized by addressing what is incorrect or unjust. This involved probing into matters of ethics and morality to safeguard the only invaluable asset I possess—my name. However, encountering these scenarios repeatedly prompts one to ponder the underlying reasons that drive people to do what is right. It becomes disheartening when individuals who transgress face no repercussions because of their popularity or the outcome of a vote in their favor.

You have the power to whistleblow if you witness corruption or injustice, to stand up and speak out amidst the chaos. Sometimes, the burden of the world may feel unbearably heavy, but there are ways to release that weight—through shouts that echo from the depths of your soul, or tears that flow freely in the shelter of your car in the parking lot of your job. In a society that often seems to revolve around the individual, I find solace in holding onto my sense of optimism. Deep down, I wholeheartedly believe that there is a unique place for me, a purpose awaiting my arrival. This conviction is the driving force behind my persistent pursuit of opportunities and my unwavering sense of hope. I frequently find myself meditating on the idea that, in this vast universe, I am already in the process of aligning with a greater plan at play. Although this alignment may not manifest today or even in the upcoming week, I refuse to yield to discouragement. I maintain my steadfast belief that there is a place meant just for me, for the universe continuously imparts upon me the same enduring lessons. In this phase of my journey, my primary role is to listen intently and remain attuned to the subtle nudges of the universe.

If this resonates with you on some level regarding parental relationships, discrimination of any kind or feelings of lostness or emptiness, please reach out to me at jeremy@thejeremyeaton.