During my travels I have learned to let of go of the attachments I place on people. I have been asked why I am so distant. I have gone days without a single text message besides the one from my mom that she copy and pastes to her morning texting list. I have gone months without being asked ‘Are you ok?’ Although this may sound depressing, it has taught me to truly generate happiness from within myself.
I would say that I was a person that wasn’t ok until everyone else around me was ok. I had to stop listening to the gossip that my parents wanted to tell about each other. I had to clock out of being the person my siblings vented to about each other. I had to stop trying to rescue every wounded bird I saw in the street. Not all relationships have been this way but more often than not.
This need started subsiding as soon as I discovered that I had no idea how to rescue myself. I couldn’t find a reason to be happy or to be alive anymore. Still to this day, I have to fight the negative feelings of rejection from my dad and our nonexistent relationship. I have to fight the jealousy I feel when I think about how close my brother and him are despite all of the stuff my brother has put him through. I have to constantly remind myself that the worthlessness that I let my dad make me feel is not really my true worth.
I have to keep looking and searching for a new community after my travel adventures are over because moving back to St Joseph doesn’t feel like the right place for me anymore. I don’t feel I’ll be able to thrive in a place where politics and who likes who gets you somewhere. I may be disillusioned that this is not the way that the whole world works but I will keep searching until I find what fulfills me. If I had a choice I would stay in Mumbai or Southeast Asia forever.
Today is a melancholy day. I’m not happy or sad. I just am. My leg was injured on Monday after just having a dream on Sunday about an injury. The pain I feel is on the outside of my left knee. It popped while I was trying to get into padmasana and has been in pain since. I believe the bone popped back in but I’m taking it easy just to be sure. These days will come just as they will go but it’s times like these that I wish I had a a mentor or guru to guide me.