I woke up this morning at 5:30am in a bad mood. I had a dream that there was a snake in my bedroom underneath the bed. I was actually afraid of getting out of bed for this reason. I can’t remember now where exactly I was at in my dream but snakes are not a fun thing for me. I woke up feeling the weight of everything I had to get done.
Normally, I take this challenge in stride but this morning I didn’t want to face the washers and dyers that sometimes work. I didn’t want to do social media posts so that all the spammy accounts can fake like me and then unlike me. I didn’t want to go to breakfast. I didn’t want to do my self practice, breathing or meditation. This morning I was pissed.
I went to bed with such optimism and vision for the week ahead. I am still fighting this urge to say, ‘Today is the day that I am not doing anything.’ I keep getting visits to my website from Washington and Idaho which means that the people that know they have wronged me are now trolling me. In what psycho, messed-up world does that make sense? The truth is that it doesn’t make sense and never will. I have to live with the fact that until I have given complete forgiveness this will never be over.
Is this the reason I woke up in such a crappy mood? Are these people going to keep stalking me digitally? Unfortunately, they have to keep tabs on me because I know the truth. That’s them. Most of the time, I have fun with this because of the level of absurdity. Sometimes, however, it feels like a weight I have to carry around. I don’t trust people and don’t feel that I can open up to people easily since this experience with Wesley Chapman, his wife and previous staff. I opened up about things that I have not told anyone. In a way, I relived my abuse and this fraud used that against me.
Needless to say, today is rough day. I’m going to make it though. I’m going to go to class with the dream of being able to help people. I am going to help myself along the way. I am creating a new life for myself and no one has control over that new life but me. I have to keep telling myself this over and over again to make it all worth it. I will have my freedom back again someday and in that freedom these people will not even exist. Here’s to onward and upward.