I have been wondering lately about my path in yoga. I have a strong desire to lead a life that is free from pain but I feel detached from others. I have been referred to as the Newton or the ‘sincere’ one in my class lately. Sometimes, I wonder if I am being mocked in some way or if people are meaning what they say because their actions regarding everything else states that I am being mocked. I don’t take offense. However, I do wonder what some people’s intent is.
I can’t change this world alone, yet, I find it hard to relate to people that want to single people out or engage in gossip. I am weak and have not gained the strength or will to not be sucked back into this world that all too familiar to me. There is so much unnecessary talking and not enough talking about what is important. Honestly, I get bored not with the people I am surrounded by but with what consumes them. This eventually consumes me.
I had a moment of clarity yesterday after my Bhagavad Gita regarding when is it ok to engage and not engage. It is ok to sit away from everyone so that I can protect myself from the negative energy circulating the room. It is ok to not talk and sit with my eyes closed. It is ok to state when something is not for me. I moved my place yesterday because there was a negativity coming through me and I didn’t want to spread that energy from the very center of the room. I moved over to the doors but it was taken that I moved because of a certain person or people.
I can’t control what people think but I can remain silent and not let them think otherwise. The Newton nickname comes from an Indian movie where a man follows his duties but lives in a world where everyone else doesn’t. I relate to this all too well. I am the accountability police. Perhaps that’s why my dad and I clash so much. The character in the movie feels that because he does his duties that everyone should as well. His problem is that he takes pride in doing his duties. I get that when you do something right that you want to feel good about it, but I get frustrated with things that are written and people that can’t follow through on their commitments.
I wait almost everyday for class to start on time so that our asana class doesn’t have to be shortened. When we finally start class, we are interupted, don’t do prayers or wait up to 15 minutes for people that choose to wait for the elevator instead of taking the 5 minutes to walk up the stairs. It needs to be clear that I love all of these people dearly because their actions are not them. However, it doesn’t take much to be a little mindful of the commitments you make to yourself and a group of people and try to do a little better every day. In this case, it seems some of my classmates are digressing outwardly and that makes me sad. I am just stuck here wondering why I let their actions affect me so deeply because I shouldn’t feel any way about it.
