Today, I sat and realized how much stress I have rid myself of. I have reduced my circle of friends to only a handful and no longer chase people. I have never cared less about people liking me or not. This may come across as negative but there is no negativity in this process. I have even started to let the relationships in my family to dissolve or get stronger depend on the efforts that both of us put in.
My brother has had a lot of drama in his life and I used to be the person that he called when everything hit the fan. I asked him in person during a visit home recently if he was ever tired of being in crisis mode and he stopped calling. He either deleted his Facebook profile or unfriended me because I got a notification request for friendship. I am letting it sit there with the rest of the people that don’t affect me neither positively or negatively. I just don’t want their spectating, digital friendship.
I guess I could be mad that my dad hasn’t made the effort in almost three years to come visit but I have more empathized with him recently than feeling resentment. He has said on numerous occasions that I may not be the son that he wanted so I no longer chase this relationship for fear that if it isn’t all ok that I am a horrible person. He is more of an employer than a father and I think that he is just fine with it being that way. I am done spending my energy where it is wasted so I have accepted that he doesn’t want me as a son but as a good employee that does what he is told and makes myself valuable.
My sister messages me maybe once a month and tries to Facetime me at 3am in the morning even though I have explained numerous times that I am 11.5/10.5 hours ahead of time. Sometimes I wonder if she does that so that my nephews think that I don’t want to talk them. Her husband is the same personality as her first husband, a control freak that has to have everything his way. He also told my nephew that a necklace that we made together while I was teaching them about the chakras would make him a ‘faggot.’ If you don’t think that hate is taught at home you are grossly mistaken.
The only person in my family that I speak to everyday is my mom. Even if it is a text message saying, ‘good morning’ or an emoji, we communicate everyday. She keeps say that she misses me and can’t wait for me to be home. I don’t share the same sentiment. I’m not excited to be home at all. I dread going back to St. Joseph like I dread death. I have done everything but be absorbed in political relationship in that town and I have no plans on doing so. So, I’m taking it day-by-day for the next couple of months because that is all I can do.