Day 186: Your Last Day on Earth

While doing the exploration part of my to do list today, I listen to some videos from Gary Vaynerchuk.  This guy says the F-word a lot.  His message is simple - Stop complaining and Start doing what you want to do.  He has over 2.2 million followers on his Facebook and Instagram.  He is one of the most sought after public speakers.  

One of the videos was of his #AskGaryVee Show, him and his guest were speaking about brutal honesty with co-workers.  You get a sense that Gary is serious down to the core.  How did he rise to this?  He made choices that were his own.  He took his path and made it a journey that he is still currently on.  

As I was listening, he stated that we shouldn't have anymore whiny Mondays with our head down.  After this I was so excited that I actually clapped when I completed my 5K in 17 minutes and 9 seconds.  Then, the whole time I was meditating, I was thinking and just letting my brain enjoy this feeling of discovery.  I left that exercise feeling energize and ready to get more work done.

The question that stays with me out of all the videos that I watched today - What if this was the last day I had here on Earth?  Would I be proud of myself for loathing the roundness of my stomach?  Did I accomplish everything that I sought out do?  What would I leave behind?  What a profound freedom I feel at this moment.  

I would most certainly be ashamed of loathing my appearance.  I am more embarrassed that I lost all of this weight only to gain it back because of late night Taco Bell runs, lost of pizza and impromptu left turns into Kris&Kate's.   I had a teacher in the Landmark Forum very clearly state how you lose weight - EAT LESS, MOVE MORE.  I am working so hard to reach a goal of wellbeing and fitness both in my mind and my body.  I have even been embraced by the morning staff at breakfast to make better choices.  

I have not accomplished everything I have dreamed to achieve.  There is a non-ending list of things I would like to achieve in this lifetime.  I would like to be a speaker on a worldwide platform for suicide prevention.  I made an impact on a local level regarding Suicide Prevention.  Also, I volunteer for Crisis Text Line where the majority of the people are looking for someone to talk to because they are contemplating dying by suicide.  I want to be represented by an art gallery and make money from my art work.  I want to inspire people through my artwork, music and my life.  

At this point, I would leave behind a bunch of unorganized photography and artwork.  I would be known as a talented person that fought for what is right.  I would leave behind my family that I love very much.  I would leave behind a silhouette of a person.  I would be known for all the things I did, not for the kind of person I was.  I am a mover and a shaker and types usually are known for what the do.  After all, there is a lot of the world I haven't seen yet.

I had all these amazing thoughts of solutions to these problems.  I had a moment of clarity where I was a cheerleader for myself.  The defeated person that lives inside all of us, got sent to the bench.  I made a list of all the things that I am that make my character and not the things I do.  As my last breathing technique came to a close with Gary's words resonating in my brain, I took 5 really deep breaths, I clapped my hands together loudly and instinctively said, "F--- Yes!  I got this!"

Conquer today not because I said.  Conquer it because today could be your last.

Day 159: The Bare Necessities

In India, I have needed very little compared to the things I thought important in the United States.  An abundance of clothing, a refrigerator and cabinets full of food and all sorts of material possessions were necessities.  I have realized that all of those things are not needed for happiness or even security. 

Soon, I will be taking a voyage with just a backpack to Nepal.  That is all I will have for ten days.  I have been thinking very hard about what I will fill that bag with.  What is completely necessary? 

Is underwear completely needed?  If so, how many pairs?  Do I leave room to collect things along the way on my trip?  How many Apple chargers do I need to bring?  Do I pack shorts or pants?

I find the people here fascinating because of their need for less stuff.  They don't even need more space.  500 sq ft is considered a nice-sized apartment.  This takes me back to my days of living in California where my first apartment was the same size. However, the population of San Francisco is far less.   

After looking at all these questions that flooded my mind, I came to the realization that I need none of these things.  Yes, I do need clothes but not a different outfit for every day of the week.  There will be places to do laundry.  Also, as I have learned during my stays in Goa, clothes wash in the sink too.  Do I need to pack underwear at all?  No.  

When you strip away all these things that we think we 'need', you come to know that you don't really need any of these things at all.  In this day and age, there are stores where you can get what you forgot or need on the road or the train.  Some items are available on the train itself or in an airport.   

Ok, a toothbrush and toothpaste are two items that I know for sure I will be tagging along with me.  I can't stand fuzzy teeth.  It must be known that I find it pointless to wear deodorant in India.  I am a sweat-er and it doesn't matter how much deodorant you wear something always smells worse and more overpowering than you do.  Poor Doug.  

Day 154: Moving Idle

There comes a time when you look around you and everything is a blur.  When this happens your presence is usually absent and the joy is lost.  I am currently trying to refocus my art career.  

For the last couple of months, I have been running around on the pages of the internet researching engagement techniques for my Facebook pages and looking at other artists' websites.  You know - the whole business side of owning your own business.  At one point today, I rolled away from my desk in my chair that I am in about 7 hours a day and got a wide angle view of my life.   

I have been checking off certain boxes and, at times, feeling shame for not checking off others.  I have finally learned there are 24 hours in a day.  However, now, I try to cram as much into these hours as possible.  I guess, the phrase 'Excuse the motion blur' could be a mantra.  While checking off all the boxes and feeling that instant gratification we are all trained to strive for, I forgot that I was doing all this to uncover the joy that I had been missing.  After all, I am transitioning to make a career out of what I love.  

In realizing this, I had to step back and remind myself of my intentions.  If I can't be joyful while doing this, I have to ask myself "Is this something that I truly enjoy?" Or "What about this do I not find enjoyable?"  This is the beauty of redesigning your life.  I commit.   

I have faith in this process called life.  In these moments where my heart is working hard and my breath is heavy, I have to remember the only race I'm in is with myself.  So, it's time to start being present and enjoying this ride.  Otherwise, life is just one beautiful pan shot. 

Day 152: Ready, Set, Create

Since graduating The Academy of Art University in 2011, I had all but given up on a career that I had dreamed of since my younger days of creating art and getting paid for it.  I had excelled in all art forms - music, theatre and visual art.  Even after graduating with distinction from The Academy of Art University from the Fine Arts department, I hadn’t landed gallery representation or been noticed by that one person that would make me famous.  

At this time, rent in San Francisco, CA was starting to skyrocket.  I was working three jobs to pay for my room/residence and my studio at Art Explosion Studios.  I was a barista in the financial district, a bartender/server in the mission and an artist.  The ladder was becoming less affordable regardless of my resourcefulness.  I did the routine for a year.  I was exhausted, broke and, honestly, hungry.  

With that said, my artist career was going to look different moving back to the Midwest.  In St Joseph, MO there was no resembalance of what I knew of as an art community.  In San Francisco, art was like yoga.  You had drawing workshops, gallery openings and even classes on marketing yourself as an artist any given time or day.  I packed up my belongs, loaded all my unsold artwork in trailer and I made the best of it that I could.  I began Marketing for a family business and emerged myself in the community I loved and missed so much.  I started to forget - “I am an artist.”

I created less.  I went into depression.  I started taking antidepressants and seeing a counselor.  I look in retrospect and maybe I could have been an artist in that environment.  The more I am honest with myself, it becomes obvious that because where I was didn’t meet my expectations, I gave up.  Environment is essential as an artist.  I should have left.  And, that’s exactly what I did.   

Now, fast forward to the present, I am living in one of the largest cities in the world, Mumbai, India.  There is literally creativity everywhere.  There is art in every way of life here.  I have started creating again.  I have started living again!  I have an iPhone11+, an Instagram account, Facebook Pages, a Twitter, a Redbubble Store, a Pinterest wall, a LinkedIn account, a yoga teachers certificate, a Squarespace website and a blog.  I am ready now, right?  

While, at the time, I tried to blame people, money and time, I had no one to blame but myself for my lack of inspiration and creation.  In that truth, there is freedom.  In that statement, there is creation and possibility.  In my journey, I’m learning all the time that my expectation caused me to make choices that actually took my dreams away from myself.  I was and am the holder of that key.  So, ready, set, create. 

Day 150: To be famous?

While many of us think of a job as a means to an end, many others are looking at a job as the thing we were born to do.  I remember being in high school and taking a career assessment test.  My assessment came back saying that my career path would be best suited for engineering.  While, at times, I can be innovative and a very stealthy problem solver, I wanted to be famous.  

I wanted to be famous.  I had no idea what fame was other than everyone would know my name and life would be easy.  I had dreams of being on Broadway because my community theatre and high school experience granted me such dream.  I wanted to be a famous singer.  Although, now, I am not sure what type of fame that would have entailed.  Then, in college, I wanted to be a famous artist.  I knew what that looked like.  I would be called to be in all of these galleries and I could just create art all day long in my studio.  

Now, in reality, I spent so much time wanting to be famous that I didn't take the time to just create because everything I did was going to create this fame.  My art was good and my ego was way too strong.  Wanting fame not only made me feel like I was missing out on something, it made me miss out on the whole part of becoming famous.  I would even say that because I didn't achieve this fame, I was worth nothing.  

Go back to the times before social media where you didn't have endless platforms to put yourself out on.  This is before YouTube, Instagram and Facebook.  Are we able to remember such a time?  This was before the smart phone.  Many people know about Steve Jobs, but many more people know about the iPhone.  It would be safe to say that the iPhone won the fame game.  was Steve Jobs ever jealous of his creation's fame?

As I started creating my InstaStory today, I thought about how this need for fame has diminished.  The need has been replaced with pure creation.  I am not creating for someone to notice me.  I'm not singing so someone will book me for a show.  I'm not taking endless photographs for a gallery to pick me up and sell my art.  I do all these things because I have.  I have to because it's who I am.  I am a creator.  I find inspiration in things people don't ordinarily pay attention to.  Creativity is like air to me.  Without creativity, I have serious issues.  

When I dissect this idea of fame, I have to say I am famous in my own way.  I am brave.  I have performed in some amazing spaces including Carnegie Hall.  I have shown my artwork on the campus of Google itself in Mountain View, CA.  I have served my community with my talents.  I guess you could say - Fame comes from within.  I create because that's who I am.  

Trying to be famous is like going to the casino and saying I'm going to win $1,000,000.  It rarely happens, but, every now and then, you win $60 on a slot machine called Kitty Glitter.  

Day 108: 5 Things Every Successful Relationship Does

Remember those days of staying up late talking about nothing, anticipating hours in the bedroom and pouncing on every text message?  These were the days is what many feel about their relationships or marriages.  Do relationships lose their luster or shine after time?  If they do, get your polish out and start rubbing.  Here are 5 essential things you need to do keep the relationship strong.

1.  Be Spontaneous.

We are creatures of habit.  Naturally, this leads to routines in every aspect of our lives.  To break up the monotony, skip out on the plans for the weekend and do something to revive that weekend schedule.  While most have a hard time breaking the cycle, once on the road or in a plane and left with no other option, you would be surprised how much the departure from the norm is appreciated.  

2.  Talk about the Future

While many of us remain in the present with our relationships.  It is good to talk about the future. You can set loose plans, create goals together and design a life that you both enjoy.  Talking about the future too soon can lead to the fatality of the relationship.  Be careful.  Also, be sure to avoid topics that are sensitive like kids.  Having a plan is good even when you are living day-to-day and having a plan helps you grow.

3.  Ask How your Partner's day Was

Many people forget this very simple and important question.  Asking how someone's day was is sometimes the most important thing to them.  Not only does it show you care, you show your partner that you are there for support.  However, hold the advice unless asked for.  You may find yourself in a situation where asking was your biggest mistake.

4.  Join in a Hobby Together

Most couples have the belief that you should do separate activities.  While having your own space is crucial for a relationship to survive, having a hobby that you enjoy together can give you something to look forward to.  Hobbies come in all shapes and sizes.  You and your partner can guarantee that having that one thing that you do weekly, monthly or bi-monthly will create memories for years to come.

5.  Embrace the moments of Being Human 

While many look at farting and getting completely flustered as too vulnerable and taboo, show your partner all sides of you without shame.  In the same light, let your partner show all of their sides as well.  Maintaining a safe space to completely be yourselves may be the only area that you feel that way.  Be a support to your partner not a critic for things that they can't control.  

When we choose to spend the rest of our lives with someone, you sign up for a whole list of things that you didn't think of.  These are only 5 things that every successful relationship has.  There are many more.  If you have found that special someone hang on to them.  You never know when life will throw a curveball and leave you alone.  My advice to you is:  Enjoy the ride.  

Day 106: A Preacher and a Cop in a Church

Lately, there has been a video circulating on social media regarding a cop-preacher who has called for the elimination and execution of gays.  This not only reminds me of the insane laws against ‘gender traitors’ from Gilead from a Handmaid’s Tale but I remember a time long ago when these was everyday.   Perhaps the man and his words stand out so much now because of how far we have come to except those around us.

I pity this man because he probably had something horrible happen to him as a child or has suppressed homosexual tendencies himself.  He needs to let those feelings out somewhere and this is the group that he has targeted for his frustration.  I wish that it was just his frustration that was disturbing but it is not.  He seems to be even paranoid that the gays are tampering with his food.  Regardless of if he was paranoid before, he should be now. 

He specifically targets men in his ‘sermon’.  This is what leads me to think that he has something deep inside of him that he is afraid to let out or some insecurity that is leading to such hateful extremes.  He talks about the man at the Clinique counter and how he has rejected God.  Can a man just do his job?  Many of these types of videos or even people set a fire off inside of the gay community along with their allies but they go to the same place that this man does - extreme hate.

You cannot combat this negativity in this way.  You have to approach the pain of a person like you would if a child was hurt because, most likely, that pain comes from their childhood.  Instead of throwing stones at this person, we should look into why he has these feelings and help this person heal.  He has obviously some form of phobia stemming from a trauma that he is suffering from. 

When we look at people as our brothers and sisters in the good and bad times, this type of hatred has no place.  When we start treating everyone with the same respect as you would God, there would be no war.  However, we, as a human race, can’t even let someone have their own idea of what gender or race God is.  It is sad to see this type of public display of hate.  My prayers are for this man and any closeted person in the congregation that lives in pain and lies everyday that they find peace.  Erase hate out of your heart and the world becomes heart-shaped peace sign. 

It's Time for My Life to Start

We all can listen to the podcasts.  We can all watch the same free online content about how to make your dream life happen.  We all love hearing about the things we need to do, but very seldom to we take action on those very things to better our own lives.  Are we content with what we have?  

I have been working with Wesley Chapman with A Human Project and my experience has been a roller coaster.  It was just last week that I had a 'lightbulb moment' and all things seemed to come together in this Big Bang.  

I have always wanted to do good things with and for people.  This was my gift and my curse. I had unconditional love but my love had conditions.  I would do things that would have these unmentioned attachments.  Some of these attachments, I wasn't aware of consciously.  So, for the past several months, I have been working on this trait of unconditional love that I thought I had mastered so long ago.  We all do this with our partners, parents, children, co-workers and anyone that we come into contact with.  I started to realize that I had no idea what unconditional love was at all, but I screamed from the mountain tops that I was unconditional love.  

Breaking apart every failed human relationship I have had in my past made me realize my fault and the part I played in the downfall of that relationship.  It is only now that I can look at these people and truly forgive them while finding a way to erase the guilt from my own heart.  The time of forgiving myself has come and gone.  Moving to a country where I know no one has made me realize that, in this world and for it to work, we all need each other.  Every one of us is a support to one another.  

I look at the reason why people hate on each other and want to hide my head in shame.  This world is a cruel place and we wonder why suicide is looked at as the only option for some.  You have to know love to know hate.  You have to know wrong to know forgiveness.  You have to know a superhero to know a villain.  

There are three reasons that you have negative feelings towards a person:

1. They have something you want (a lifestyle, a talent, etc)
2. They bring out something dark or negative that you possess (a person that is late, a person that fails to keep commitments, etc)
3. They failed to meet an expectation that you set (Most likely, you didn't tell them that expectation.)

I don't bring these things up because I am pointing a finger at anyone but myself.  I do have people that hate me, my life and my very being.  How do I let my haters affect me?  I don't.  People hate some of societies most valued figures.  As we approach Republic Day in India, I am reminded that even Ghandi, the leader of the independence of India, was shot dead because someone hated him.  He promoted peace and freedom. 

I can't speak for others, but I can speak for my own actions.  Have I always done proud by my parents?  No.  Have I let people down?  Yes.  Do I regret any of it?  No.  Everything I have done in my life has lead to a lesson in some way.  Have people been hurt by my actions?  Yes.  Have I burnt many bridges?  Yes.  Again, do I regret any of it?  No.  The stage in my life where I have started letting all this go has begun.  

Life really is as simple as we want to make it.  We need more kindness in the world.  We need more compassion.  We need more change.  The world is already changing all around us everyday. Are you part of that change?  - or - Are you leading the change in your own life?  

If your answer is no to both of those questions, it's time for your own life to start.  Unfortunately, in reality, no one is going to kick start your life for you.  The time is now.  

Looking Forward to Home

As the anxiety starts to settle in about returning home, I am reminded of the bubble that I contained myself in.  While in India, I have yoga classes with meditation, amazing food choices and walking the line of being completely anonymous and infamous at the same time.  I already miss India and I haven't even left yet.  

My element is in chaos.  My experience is going for days without seeing someone I know personally and keeping to myself in my world of creation.  When I think about going home, I get a general sense of feeling hindered and "too much."  I'm too much for a lot of people, I have learned, because I make them face a part of themselves that is uncomfortable.  I stretch the limits of what is possible.  This is a quality I now embrace.

My own life story stretches the limits of what is possible.  How did a guy from St. Joseph, MO make it to California, graduate from one of the top private art schools in the United States, move back to Missouri and, then, move halfway across the world to India?  It blows my mind every single day.  I have to wonder if I made all these things happen.  I did say that I would be back when I set foot in San Francisco back in 2000 for an overnight photoshoot.  I, also, said one day that I would make it to India.  My day has come.

I have to wonder if this goes for negative things in our life too.  If I think that my trip home will be full of drama and discouragement, will I make it that way?   I have come too far to know that my self worth is too much to ignore.  I have learned the power of positive thinking not only of myself but of others.  This is true on all fronts.

Regardless of what comes my way while visiting the U.S., I vow that I am just going to enjoy the ride.  Most of all, I have a very select few that I am very excited to see and hug.  I get to live and work in New York City for a week, teach a 2-day yoga workshop, be a special speaker at Missouri Western State University, sell my photo prints and facilitate a class to keep young drivers safe on the road.  That translates to getting to help people, my favorite thing to do in the entire world. 

From the famous words of Jewel in keeping to my musical references - "I'm sensitive and I'd like to stay that way."  After all, it's not everyday you get to say, "Hey, I'm only in the states for a month."