Day 145: Purpose and Agony

In today’s corporate, capitalistic world there has been a lot of stress on finding happiness and the reason for being alive. This may be shocking but this actually a very old idea. At some point, humans didn’t like the simple answers they were finding and thought that life has to be more than simply existing. This could possibly be where expectation was born.

In the times of the Vedas, humans thought the purpose of life was to bow to the sun and perform their duties. People retreated to the forests to chant and bring praise to the Sun. The sun performs its duty every single day without any day off, any sick days or feelings of being under appreciated. Could imagine a day where the Sun said, “I don’t feel like working today. I’m taking the day off.”

Entire power grids would not collect energy for electricity. People would be confused and probably panic because the order of things would be in disorder. Animals would act strangely as nocturnal animals would not know when the night ended and the day began. Everything that we knew it to be would be in question.

Our purpose is also our duty. However, we often associate our purpose with happiness and then turn around to complain about the very thing that brings us that very happiness. What brings us happiness will also bring us pain if we have an expectation or attachment associated with that purpose. A duty is something that you do regardless of the gratitude you receive or the feelings you feel while performing that duty.

Since your duty is also your purpose, it should only serve 5 things. Yourself, your family, your society, your nation and your higher power are the only things that purpose and duty should serve. If you are finding yourself starting to have angst in performing your purpose or duty, start looking at what you are expecting to get out of doing this act. I will bet that your finding will be that you expect a ‘Thank you’ or some form of recognition. If that is what you find realign and remind yourself of why you wanted to do it in the first place.

Day 144: 3 Ways to Find a Peace of Mind When Experiencing Anxiety

For anyone that has experienced anxiety, they will tell you that the effects can be debilitating. While at the grocery store an overwhelming crowd could seem like a sea of people that will never end. A heart beating rapidly and the breath becoming more shallow could seem like the beginning of death. A tingling feeling or rush of heat with a ringing in the ear that could happen at any moment could leave anyone with a terrifying worry. While there are many reasons to look at anxiety and be defeated by it, it is often forgotten that you don’t have to lose to anxiety. Here are three ways that you can defeat anxiety:

1. Remember, You Are In Control

One of the most paralyzing aspects is that it can surface at anytime like a dormant volcano or earthquake. While the natural disaster can be predicted, the response to that natural disaster. The same is true for anxiety. The control is completely up to you. While I’m talking about incredible strength, everyone has that potential to respond and be in control.

2. Remember To Breathe

With the heart rate going up the cardiovascular system will automatically trigger the respiratory system to respond by breathing faster. Start practicing detaching from the feelings in your body and start taking control of your mind. If you are at the store, pull off to the side and start breathing through your nose. Inhale to the count of 4 and exhale to the count of 4. When you bring the attention to the breathe, the mind can’t focus on anything else. Do this until you start to feel a since of calm.

3. Be Honest

Unfortunately, there is a stigma about having anxiety and the attacks that are accompanied with them. In all honesty, most of the people that create that stigma have experienced some form of anxiety at some point in their life. Some fear being on the other side of that stigma given the overall stigma of mental health. There should be no shame in asking someone or seeking a professional for help. Be honest about what you are experiencing and never be ashamed of doing so.

Anxiety is a horrible moment in time that can seem unbearable and, due to its unpredictability, can cause anxiety in and of itself. While it may seem like a loss of control is happening, we must never forget that we are never not in control of our responses. Many people associate the effects of an anxiety attack with death or dying. To my knowledge, there are no deaths to completely healthy human beings from the effects of anxiety. So, always remember that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Day 143: 5 Ways to Not Let Other's Opinions Affect You

As a gay man, I have been trained at a young age that people’s opinions matter and that they should help shape and mold you into something that conforms to make other’s comfortable. In my late thirties, I am starting to realize that their opinions, are theirs to own and not mine to allow to attach to me. I have had horrible things said to me about my sexuality that is frankly not anyone’s business. These are 5 ways I have put on my armor when dealing with people’s opinions.

1. Be Solid in Who You Are

Everyone will have an opinion of you. There are good opi5. nions and bad opinions, but you don’t have to be either of those. You can be uniquely you regardless of praise or criticism. If you firmly know who you are, you never have to worry about a person that disagrees because it simply doesn’t matter. You can look at a critic in the face and say, ‘ok’ and move on.

2. Don’t Hang On to Praise

Often the people who do good in the world but they only do this good because they seek the praise of people to validate that they are good. Hanging on to praise is the same things as being hurt by someone that had negative things to say about you. Both are equally as destructive. It is good to remain humble in both positive and negative feedback because your response is a choice.

3. Listen to Your Own Opinions

As a yogi, I’m not free from having likes and dislikes yet, but I am present to those likes and dislikes. More specifically, I’m present to why I like a particular thing and dislike the other. What memories to we have attached to a like or dislike? These opinions of our own often influence our reactions to others. Being mindful of these things help you in being more solid in who you are.

4. Keep Goals

If you have nothing going on in your life, negativity will always find a way to enter your life. Respectably, if you are not working towards something for you and your life, you will let other people influence you or you will follow other people to give your life meaning. You are in control of your own life so why not create something that is completely yours to share with the world. Start by being a person that has higher goals in spirituality or if you need to start smaller start by just being a good person.

5. Accept That Negative Exists

As we learn in the movie Inside Out, the character, Joy, has to learn to accept Sadness as a part of her world. Metaphorically, we have to know Sadness to know Joy. When we accept that negativity has to exist for positivity to exist, we accept anything that comes from and either take something from it or leave it. Both are what makes having critics so valuable. Your critics can give you ideas or make you see something from a different angle. Accepting negative is the first step.

Learning these lessons has taken me many fails, tears and frustrations to come out on this side and I am still learning every day. Although it is supposed to be a children’s movie, Inside Out is a continued reference for me because it has so many valuable lessons. If you have not watched this movie, it is a must. However, if you are one of those that is not taking the next step in being who you are or from starting a life change, don’t let other’s opinions stand in your way. They may be acting out of fear or reacting to something that they are not even conscious to themselves. As they say, ‘Be you, Boo!’ and the rest will fall into place.

Day 142: 3 Things To Do Before Bedtime

I have been getting several requests for advice on what to do to fall asleep. Simply stated, you need to prepare an environment for sleep and make an intent to fall asleep. Restless minds often find it hard to shut off but they are paying attention to the wrong things. Shutting off the mind is impossible until we are dead. However, you can slow the thoughts, limit your reactions to them and create new habits. These are three things that have helped me fall asleep quicker and feel more rested in the morning.

1. Turn the Television Off

Most of the time, we don’t realize how we contradict ourselves in the things that we want. We want peace but always fill our schedules so full that any amount of peace is not even listed. Who wants to sit around and do nothing? Sleep is supposed to be a time where the brain is repairing itself. If you think about it in computer terms, the mind is doing a backup. My partner has to have the television on and lately it has been on CNN news while we sleep. I would notice my mood being very negative in the morning and couldn’t figure out why. After I convinced him to try going to sleep without the television, he has even been benefiting from a deeper sleep. We turn on ‘Sleep Music’ and I have been falling asleep soundly for about a week. The music lasts for an hour and then it is quiet. If you need sound to fall asleep try this method and see if it helps.

2. Pay Attention to Your Breath

We spend money on oils, eye masks and Melatonin tablets but we often forget that everything we need is free and available to us all the time. Our breath and its amazing power to calm the mind is constantly forgotten and underrated. As you lay down to sleep, get completely comfortable, place your hands on your bellybutton and focus on your using your breath to raise your hands up and down. This sometimes takes a few minutes until I’m dozing off or has taken up to an hour to start to fall asleep. Regardless of how busy you are, I have not met a single person that likes to be stressed all the time. I know people that love to be busy all the time but do not like stress. I have friends that reach out to me because they are going through traumatic situations and I suggest this very thing because I believe that it cures most of the mind’s problems.

3. Don’t Have Caffeine Past 2pm

Many people are in denial about how much caffeine they consume and at what frequency. If you are needing that pick me up around 3pm, don’t reach for the coffee mug. Instead, reach for a bottle of water. Having caffeine past 2pm will almost certainly keep you up past your required bedtime. I used to get a coffee after work at 5pm to clean my house. Then, I would wonder why I wasn’t tired at 1am. It didn’t take long until I linked the two and start using this as I needed to. Caffeine is great when used correctly and not just a habit. Some people feel like falling asleep after consuming coffee or caffeinated soda and this should be a warning sign that you need a break. If you must have coffee, try having your ritual first coffee in the early morning. Then, have your second coffee shortly after lunch but before 2pm.

Sleep is very important to the body but we often think that we don’t have time to make the time for sleep. Making this a routine that you follow religiously will put you back in a sleeping pattern far better than any medication or over-the-counter drug can do. Parents make sure that their children brush their teeth, put on their pajamas and get tucked in. So, why do we as adults think that we no longer need these rituals to sleep? Never grow up, just get wiser.

Day 141: America, Get It Together

The state of America is completely divided into three different groups. I describe these three groups in the follow way - The Globally Connected People, The Rich Leading the Poor and the Passive. I am going to take a current situation in the media and explain the perspective from all three different sides. It is completely fascinating to watch American politics from the other side of the world. This geographical different has changed my view and my approach.

1. The Globally Connected People

Recently, the President of the United States has made statements about 4 freshman congress women that have the hair standing on the back of necks of some. To hear the vile words come out of the President’s mouth like he has some sort of personal vendetta against these women is very disturbing. Growing up, I always looked at the President as a man that joined everyone together, but this current president wants to see everyone divided. He strongly believes that no press is bad press and bad press is still press. For Globally Connected People, it paints the United States as small minded and unwelcoming. This is very far from the truth for the Globally Connected. These people tend to speak out only giving the President more fuel for this fire. What can you do to stop this hate when the entire nation was on a path of starting to love their neighbors?

2. The Rich Leading the Poor

This group of people are dangerous because their silence of the blatant racism that is being spewed from the White House is disgusting. They know that their silence is allowing the poorer people of the nation to think that the one’s actually defending America are the bad guys. They know what is being said is wrong, but do nothing about it. Many Republicans would be yelling impeachment if President Obama would have said that a white man hated America. The current President is saying exactly that about American of different races because they are brave enough to stand up to him. I don’t see them backing down anytime soon and, equally, I don’t see the rich Republicans telling the President to stop (until it starts affecting their polling numbers). Money holds power the same as silence.

3. The Passive

This group is just as dangerous as the The Rich Leading the Poor. They have personal beliefs that what is happening is wrong or right but stay out of it completely. Their silence on either side is what people want. They don’t want to cause an argument or outrage so they remain quiet and stay ‘out of politics.’ In this day and age, staying out of politics is letting evil win. That is what is happening. Evil has wedged itself in between uncertainty and fear. When people are afraid, they have a fight or flight response and, unfortunately, many Americans have used the flight response for this very situation when love should win. These women have received threats and the very people that should be protecting them are saying that they hate America while The Passive are remaining silent.

America is not perfect but one thing that we have always prided ourselves on is that we are a melting pot of culture and diversity. Even the white people that are spewing this hate, weren’t originally from here. Blacks were brought her by force and then hated because they wanted rights. Hispanics try to escape her to escape crime, gangs and drugs and are then called rapists. Children are being separated from the very parents that were trying to get them a better life and then being put in conditions that we don’t even allow most pets to live in. What’s wrong with America is that everyone has an opinion but lack the power to do anything about it because the man in charge has more money than he deserves and a mouth louder than any voice can match. America, get it together.

Day 140: 3 Ways Pranayama Has Affected Me

Pranayama is a huge part of yoga that is widely not practiced in the west. Pranayama is simply stated as a breathing technique but has for more benefits than connecting to your breath. I started learning about Pranayama in my Basic Teacher’s Training Course in 2017 and have elaborated on this practice through the Art of Living along with my Advanced Teacher’s Training Course. There are 9 specific techniques used by The Yoga Institute. Here are just three ways that Pranayama have I influenced my life and health.

1. Pranayama and Weight Loss

During my practice with The Art of Living, I started to notice the pounds going down and in the area of body fat specifically. Using the practice Bastrika and Abdominal Breathing helps tone the belly and the muscles of the abdomen. After practicing Pranayama my desire for junk foods is down dramatically. I took a break from my practice of The Art of Living techniques after I started my yoga therapist certification and gain the weight back. Now, that I am regularly practicing Pranayama on my own and in the classroom, I am starting to see the weight decline again especially in the area of body fat.

2. My Focus and Productivity

I used to have serious angst about doing the duties that I needed to do. Writing this blog has been a commitment that I have to work on everyday otherwise I fall behind and have found out the hard way that I make double or triple the amount of work for myself if I refuse to write as I should. Now, I am excited about reflecting on my thoughts or the days experiences. When I go back and read my earlier post, I feel like I have changed so much and I give credit mostly to the practice of Pranayama.

3. Gratitude

I have always had a tremendous amount of gratitude and look at the world in a bigger picture. However, after completing this practice of Pranayama on a regular basis, I have gratitude that last throughout the day keeping my calmer and happier. Immediately following practice, the feelings are like after receiving the best massage except it is for your lungs, mind and heart. I have felt more connected with nature and the awareness of my breath has been tremendously improved.

Pranayama is just one of the steps in the 8-fold path. It has lead me to places I would have never dreamed of on my own. Being present goes a long way in seeing the changes that happen on both micro and macro levels. Your breath may be all that you have in certain points of your life and it is always good to know that your breathe is always on your side.

Day 139: Overcoming Negative Thoughts

Two days ago, I got my septum pierced. I got the referral from my friends at the Movement Sanctuary in Bandra. It was surprising close to the studio. I have been dealing with some feelings of self-doubt and instead of letting these thoughts destroy my progress, I decided that it was time for a new piercing. I chose this piercing because I can hide it from some of the more conservative circles I am in.

See, overcoming this negative feelings and thoughts had to come out somehow. Rather than taking them out on my partner and my family, I chose to inflict some pain on myself to match the pain that was going on on the inside. It really is a release feeling the piercing needle going through your skin. It is a very safe way to deal with your emotions.

I highly recommend Ajay at Al’s on Hill Road in Mumbai. While I was there I met his mother who is beautiful with her arms covered in tattoos while wearing traditional dress. His older brother is a tattoo artist at the tattoo shop next door to the piercing shop. His sister also came in while I was getting the piercing and happens to be a graduate of the same yoga school that I went to. She even teaches for one of the instructors that taught me in my beginning teaching certification.

I have wanted this piercing for some time now and was going to wait until I went back to Rochester at Dorje Adornments where I have gotten all of my other piercings. However, my fluctuating mood brought me to a new place with new faces and new friends.

Day 138: What Do You Cling To?

Recently, I was rejected by AppleNews to become a publisher through my blog. There reasoning was that my blog was too personal and not suited for a wider audience. There is a huge difference in my thinking and my reaction to receiving this news. At first, I was a little disappointed because it took me so long to even send in my submission. Then, my ego wanted to be mad and hurt. I said, “Not today ego, not today.”

The person that I have become is a long way from the person I was about three years ago. Facebook keeps reminding of that person everyday with posts of people I no longer speak to and have no contact with. For the most part, I have looked at these conflicts as lessons or mistakes I will never make again. Without these experiences, I would definitely be taking antidepressants and would be in deal that I have a lot of soul searching to do to find my inner happiness.

However, receiving the rejection letter from AppleNews was taken in two ways:

1. I have a lot of work to do still.

During my yoga journey, I am learning that nothing comes easy and the things that do aren’t sustainable or worth it in the end. I could have been accepted right away but then I would just mechanically type my blog post and publish it. Looking at the blog, I have a long way to go to reach a wider audience and, perhaps, a wide audience isn’t who I want to reach. With the rejection came questioning why I write in the first place. At first, this blog was to air out all the feelings and emotions that I have been holding on to. It has turned into a space where I write my thoughts gaining clarity some days and having more questions on others. Perhaps recording audio of each post would be a great way to engage people that don’t want to read.

2. My ego is what is writing all this in the first place.

We can’t wipe away our egos. Anyone who says that they are ego-less is showing their ego in that very statement. When I was hurt, at first, reading the email that stated that I didn’t comply with their guidelines. I chuckled because I have never been one to follow guidelines. The best part is on my website, I don’t have to follow anyone’s guidelines except for the basic ones provided by Squarespace. The entire site is about ego. I have a bio page where I talk generically about my story. My CV/resume is listed with all of the art shows I have done over the past decade. My photography portfolio of my travels in India is listed to show you how great of a photographer I am. Then, you can signup for my yoga newsletter to receive more information about me. This is what an honest view looks like.

I am a long way from being perfect but that is not my aim in the first place. My intent is to make the world a little better when I leave it than it was before I born into it. I expect no praise and don’t want it at the same time. Rejection can look many ways but your reaction to rejection can either hurt you or help you. The silver lining is that it is your choice if that hurt or help makes you grow or give up.

Day 137: Changes

I have been wondering lately about my path in yoga. I have a strong desire to lead a life that is free from pain but I feel detached from others. I have been referred to as the Newton or the ‘sincere’ one in my class lately. Sometimes, I wonder if I am being mocked in some way or if people are meaning what they say because their actions regarding everything else states that I am being mocked. I don’t take offense. However, I do wonder what some people’s intent is.

I can’t change this world alone, yet, I find it hard to relate to people that want to single people out or engage in gossip. I am weak and have not gained the strength or will to not be sucked back into this world that all too familiar to me. There is so much unnecessary talking and not enough talking about what is important. Honestly, I get bored not with the people I am surrounded by but with what consumes them. This eventually consumes me.

I had a moment of clarity yesterday after my Bhagavad Gita regarding when is it ok to engage and not engage. It is ok to sit away from everyone so that I can protect myself from the negative energy circulating the room. It is ok to not talk and sit with my eyes closed. It is ok to state when something is not for me. I moved my place yesterday because there was a negativity coming through me and I didn’t want to spread that energy from the very center of the room. I moved over to the doors but it was taken that I moved because of a certain person or people.

I can’t control what people think but I can remain silent and not let them think otherwise. The Newton nickname comes from an Indian movie where a man follows his duties but lives in a world where everyone else doesn’t. I relate to this all too well. I am the accountability police. Perhaps that’s why my dad and I clash so much. The character in the movie feels that because he does his duties that everyone should as well. His problem is that he takes pride in doing his duties. I get that when you do something right that you want to feel good about it, but I get frustrated with things that are written and people that can’t follow through on their commitments.

I wait almost everyday for class to start on time so that our asana class doesn’t have to be shortened. When we finally start class, we are interupted, don’t do prayers or wait up to 15 minutes for people that choose to wait for the elevator instead of taking the 5 minutes to walk up the stairs. It needs to be clear that I love all of these people dearly because their actions are not them. However, it doesn’t take much to be a little mindful of the commitments you make to yourself and a group of people and try to do a little better every day. In this case, it seems some of my classmates are digressing outwardly and that makes me sad. I am just stuck here wondering why I let their actions affect me so deeply because I shouldn’t feel any way about it.

Day 136: Yoga and Depression Pt.3

To conclude my entries on Yoga and Depression, I want to help others because I am all to familiar with the fact that I do not suffer alone. Since I have worked on my strength, I have enough strength to know that fighting alone is not mandatory. My partner struggles with seasonal depression so understands to a certain extent what I go through. His support is incredible because he supports me even when I don’t know that I need it. So, you are depressed and don’t want to take medicine? Here are some things that I keep in mind that help me everyday.

1. Get Out of Bed Even When You Feel Like You Don’t Want To

This may sound very easy but for a person that struggles with depression, it may seem like to most daunting task imaginable. People experience depression differently. Some people feel a huge lack of energy and some feel more energy. If you feel like you are experiencing mania, please seek help. This blog is not meant to be medical advice. For those of you experiencing the heaviness that I have felt, you have to force yourself to get up. I have told myself out loud before to get out of bed some mornings. After getting out of bed, take a shower. This will help wake you up. I sing in the shower or hum songs to pep myself up.

2. Stay Active

Although getting out of bed may feel like enough of a challenge at first, try to resist the urge to sit down on the couch in front of the television. The moment you feel like laying down or sitting down becoming inactive do exactly the opposite. Go for a walk around your block or do something that will keep your mind active like coloring or creating something. The more you do this, the more you break the habit of stopping and thinking about your depression. Don’t be in denial about your illness. Instead, be proactive in accepting that it is an illness that you can overcome.

3. Never Forget Your Support System

I forgot about my support system and thought that I had to deal with this on my own. You should never feel like a burden to those that you love. In that same respect, don’t be the person that uses your depression to complain about everything. Tell your support system that you are having a bad day and need someone to talk to. Talk about the things that are going on inside you rather than pointing out everything wrong that is going on outside of you. Accept their love and know that you are never alone.

These three things that I did during my journey. I went through the detox of my medications completely alone and felt isolated even from my partner. However, he was as supportive as he could be and we made it through it. I also have the privilege of traveling during this time but also lost all of my friends. I would be lying to you if I told you that the road to fighting depression is easy but I am proof that you can because I still do to this day. You are never unworthy of love to yourself or others. Remember that and, if you need to, say that out loud everyday until you believe it.

Day 135: Yoga and Depression Pt. 2

While I do doubt myself and the opportunities that I have been, I am grateful for everything that life has given me. The very fact that I have kept this website alive for 2 years and am getting ready to launch a new website specifically for yoga is reward enough to say I should keep going. I am looking at my analytics and wonder why people aren’t read but my intent was never for a huge audience in the first place. This blog, for all intents and purposes, is to log my thoughts not what people think about my thoughts.

There are various ways that my yoga practice influences my behavior. We do Pranayama in class when our class time allows. I have noticed that this calms my mind down a lot but I have also started losing weight since practicing regularly. Simple equal breathing and bhramari is something that I do everyday. I do this in the evenings or first thing in the morning. I can’t claim that this practice has had a direct affect on my weight lose but my weight did start to drop after including this in my routine.

I have also started to do Sutra Neti along with my Jal Neti practice. This is a cleansing practice from the Hatha Yoga Pradipika. Sutra Neti is taking a rubber string and inserting in your nostrils, letting it go all the way to the back of your throat and grabbing the string as though you are flossing. This loosens up the mucus. Then, the practice of Jal Neti is where you wash the nasal cavities with water that has just a little bit of salt in it. Practicing both of these together has changed the way that food tastes.

Asana and meditation have also helped me be stronger physically and mentally. During my asana practice, I take the poses very slow so that I can feel my muscles working with my breath. There is no teacher telling me to go deeper or to stretch my leg more than I should. The postures always make me feel better immediately. Meditation has been a a part of my life for about a year. I started with focusing on my breath and moved to floating in a salt tank. I feel that I bring the practice of meditation into my daily life and it doesn’t always require sitting in a meditative posture.

These are a few of the things that I have been doing to combat my depression. I don’t always feel like doing them but to not do them means I let the depression win. I refuse to let that happen. Every day I will get up and deal with my thoughts. Every single day, I will win and go to bed ready to face the next day.

Day 134: Yoga and Depression Pt. 1

I have written several times on this blog and not taking antidepressants anymore. I want to be clear that I have not stopped taken my medication and I am cured. I have had to dig deep within myself to find courage, strength and happiness even when I didn’t feel like it. I have had to make myself get out of bed because I will not let depression anxiety keep me from doing the things that I love to do or from standing up when I need to.

Depression is a silent disease that will strip away your energy. Perhaps some people feel great and energetic one day and the next day feel like a boulder that can’t move. Some days the little things don’t amount to anything and some days even the smallest things seem like obstacles that will never go away. There are days when I am surrounded by people that love me and cheer me on but, secretly, I feel like a failure. Today is one of those days.

Yoga has helped me build strength and find the love for myself that says, ‘I’m worthy.’ I have had constant doubts about what I am doing but I always find that the more ignore those thoughts and let them pass, I feel like I made it out on the other side. Yoga is more than standing on a mountain cliff and taking a beautiful picture of everything on the external. Everyday you are challenged to take a snapshot of what’s on the inside. The thoughts, negative and positive, the fears and the amount of acceptance of what all of that looks like is far worse than any mirror you could put to my face.

Yoga is the one thing that makes me say that I can literally do anything. I can even beat this depression but, sometimes, I fail. I do this in my thoughts more than my actions. Self-doubt is one of the things I struggle with because my pattern in life. When things go great something always happens. A school closes our art gallery before my senior show. My best friend’s mom turns a drum major pick into a popularity contest. A community theatre organization gives me the boot for sticking up for what is right. I constantly remind myself that I get depressed because of other’s actions.

This keeps me up at night. This struggle between wanting to be free and feeling self righteous or like I don’t have the right to all the happiness and success I want. I lay in bed thinking about how if I got one more hour of sleep I’ll be rested, refreshed and able to tackle any obstacle that is thrown my way. I dream of a day where my ambitions line up with the amount of energy I have and not fight or second guess why I am the one that gets the reward.

Day 133: Connections

I have written in the past about my inability to trust people and make new connections. During this time, I have completely changed the way that I feel for my friends or new people that I meet. Now, I avoid pain. I see posts of friend and receive messages from friends on social media all the time talking about how they have been brushed aside by the very institutions that vow to protect and treat them. I too have had my medications tampered with while taking Prozac and Ambien.

The Center lost its license to prescribe medicine and I received a letter from them stating that I would no longer have medication that would be prescribe by them. The letter suggested that I contact a general practitioner to continue on my medication. This was the first step in me deciding that I would try to go off of my medication and try something new. It would be a total lie to say that the detox from this didn’t suck because it was an absolute roller coaster.

Now, before you judge me, know my story. It has been suggested to me by professionals that it was perhaps my surroundings and the people I was bringing into my life that was causing such a negative spiral in my mental health. However, I can’t blame the situations or people anymore either. This took a long time to realize and admit to myself because I wanted to so badly to blame them for my problems. It’s an amazing journey when you discover that you don’t have to fight to be other people’s lives. In yoga, you learn that you don’t have to react to or like/dislike environments that make you feel comfortable or uncomfortable.

This is where I feel the change in my relationships with people. Regardless of what people, family or friends, do or don’t do, I remain the same person and love them all the same. Any one who has met me knows that I am there for them no matter. I have even answered the calls of strangers that found a post on Facebook and need someone to talk to because of a tough time they were having. I don’t have to be caught up in drama because that is not who I am. However, since I am not perfect, I may unintentionally start drama because I also can’t control other people’s reactions.

If negativity comes my way because of something I did or didn’t do, I can always explain that I wasn’t even aware of what I did and that does not make me a bad person. I still struggle with making mistakes because for the longest time I was told that I was perfect, then I came out as gay and had been trying to make up for it every since. Every human being I meet is perfect even with their flaws. Flaws sometimes make the person unique or intriguing but not bad. This all stems from a lecture today about the soul. Our teacher talked about the mind, intellect, ego and soul. She said that a soul is never bad. The person that is saying someone is bad is speaking out of ego. Additionally, a person that thinks they are bad isn’t thinking from their intellect.

Day 132: Presence

Today, in asana class we did only 3 asanas in 1 hour. To many Westerns, this would be a class that people would not attend again. However, in my experience I left class feeling grounded back on the floor. It was an incredible feeling.

While in Talasana, we were told to be mindful of our heels and where we place them when coming down from the asana. Our tendency is to place the feet with the toes slightly outward and our heels slightly inward. The arms and heels reach the top at the same time and the same applies to them as we come back down. Being present of that made a huge difference in my practice yesterday and the person that I was this evening.

Then, we did Utkatasana. While this asana looks simple, we made it complicated by become present to our knees. We had to make sure that our heels were up while being on our toes. Our arms had to remain at shoulder level.

Just as it was time for Shavasana at 5:52pm, some of my classmates wanted to skip out on finishing their practice. One even found it necessary to try to talk to one of the other students. I still struggle with the ‘ok’ factor of bringing my ego down because some people are just so mindless. I wanted to say something but didn’t because I am starting to change my view of what’s truly being bothered over.

The feeling of presence followed me all the way home. As I was walking my dogs, I stood in the light sprinkle of rain and watched the clouds at a distance rise literally in front of my eyes. These grey wisps of clouds lifted from hilltops and swirled around in the sky. It was this moment that I realized that my feet were standing firmly on the ground and my mind was right there, right then.

Day 131: The Male Excuse

Lately, I have been thinking about genders and the roles that they play in regards to excuses or blame we place on them. Being male, I have a protective nature but have a horrible relationship with my dad. I pretend everything is ok because I have come to terms that nothing will ever change in the relationship with my dad. He will continue to be defensive when I bring up little things while all of my childhood was - If you don’t change, I’ll leave. This has been hanging over my head the past couple of weeks.

My dad says that he doesn’t like texting or being on his phone but yet during a phone call, which my mom always initiates, he couldn’t engage in a conversation that lasted maybe twenty minutes as his head was in the phone. It’s almost like he does this out of nervousness or pretends to be glued to his phone to avoid being social. To say that this doesn’t hurt me or leave an impression on me in some way would be a lie. I can’t change him just like I can’t change the way it hurts and digs at me every time I call him out for not communicating with me. If I over communicate, I’m pressuring him. If I don’t communicate then how can he care or know. It’s a vicious cycle that feels horrible.

On top of this, I shout, ‘Families helping families since 1984.’ Sometimes, I feel like that was the year that my dad gave up on his own family and focused on everyone else’s and ways that they should improve. My dad uses me as a person to vent his frustration about my mom, sister and my brother and their families and situation but seldom asks me randomly how I am doing. He missed concerts, award ceremonies and a good chunk of my life. That has been forgiven but the currently the lack of my dad is confusing because it’s like he talks out of both sides of his face. You never know who you are going to get.

Is it just an excuse that men, or fathers, are not as talkative as women, or mothers. Should the mother care for the children more than the father? I grew up in a household where both of my parent’s worked so it’s not like my mom didn’t have just as much to do but she was still expected to do housework and make sure that everyone was fed when it was just throwing potpies in the oven and, eventually, the microwave. I feel like men get a pass when it comes to their involvement in children’s lives. You can tell when a father is actively engaged in a child’s life and when the children have just become a burden that they brought into the world.

Men also get a free pass when it comes to talking about their feelings. Men, just like women, have no problem gossiping to friends about someone they have a problem with. However, I’m talking about saying, ‘I love you,’ or genuinely asking how someone is doing without it being tied to an email that requires some work-related request for a task to be completed. When something frustrates you, the right to express yourself is just available to you as it is for everyone else.

India is still very traditional in regards to the family and the roles everyone is to play within the confines of society. However, these confines are made up. Just like the elephant tied to the spike, we can realize that there is no chain and choose something else. To the dads that don’t let their children question, if they are loved, I give you props. For the dads out there that let your children guess according to your actions if you love or hate them, shame on you. It is just as much your responsibility as it is of the mother to make sure that the children are loved and care for as it is yours. Text your son or daughter, because you never know when the phone might be silent on the end. Sons and daughters, love your parents for bringing you into this world regardless of their actions, they love you.

Day 130: Kittens

For almost 6 months now, we have had a litter of kittens in our backyard. At first, it was cute but scary for my dogs because the mother of the kittens was very protective. She will still attack my Mercury if we are too close or just walking in the yard. I never knew that watching a group of playful kittens could be so entertaining.

The mother, called Mama, is very vocal. They are well taken care of for food and water but their shelter is non-existent. They climb trees, scale 3’ foot walls and run along the edges of the building so that they are protected from the huge crows. Birds killed two of the kittens in the last litter that Mama had. Last night, I made an attempt to have them adopted by posting them on my InstaStory. (@jeremyeatonyoga)

I have Batman who was adopted this morning by a classmate. I am so happy that Batman is going to a home that I know will be loved. My friend is a completely amazing person that recently lost her cat. Robin I named because it has the same marking shapes as Batman but different colors. Robin has the perfect shape of a heart on its side also. I named Lemon because of its love of Lemongrass leaves.

Pirate is the most lovable our of all of them. Its name comes from the the black streak over its eye. Dot is beautiful and very playful with its brothers and sisters. Mama and all of her kittens deserve a home. I have seen her eat snakes and bring bread to places in the watersystem to feed her babies. She hid them once in a box by this huge fountain. We actually all thought that this litter of kittens were dead because they were not seen for about 4 weeks after they were born. We would see Mama but no babies were anywhere in site.

We have been taking care of them along with the other guests and children in the apartment building. They eat sausages, warm milk cat food and treats along with whatever they are starting to find fro themselves. They have brought smiles to so many people. I want to repay them by making sure that they they go to homes and get out of the rain.

The timing of this life lesson seems kismet during my yoga training and the constant reminder of Karma Yoga. I don’t even know if I would call it that. I find words hard to describe the amount of love I have for these kittens. It was like God gave me this lesson to take care of his creation. I’m going to continue to try to find homes for these precious babies.

Day 129: Cardiac and Hypertension Pt.2

While the Cardiac Camp was full of rich information, I am always shocked at the way that people act when they are supposedly sitting through something that could change their life or career path. Several of the people, mostly younger, were talking the entire time, playing games on their phones or even sleeping. These people are training to be Yoga Therapists and help others live a life of health and wealth. It makes me very hesitant to refer people to therapists that I know because I haven’t seen how they were as a student.

I can feel my own blood pressure rise when talking about this. I tend to take things very seriously especially when it comes to classes and when I will be trusted with someone’s life through my guidance and advice. I’m not joking when I say that the completion of this course will change my life. It is changing my life already while sitting on the marble floor everyday listening to people that have been right where I am. There is not one teacher that I have gained knowledge from.

Observing the volunteers was an eyeopener for me because I didn’t feel the need to go correct the person. I didn’t wake the kid up that just crawled up on bench and started to take a nap. I didn’t tell the same kid to put his phone down and pay attention. I didn’t tell the group of people playing some game with pen and a piece of paper to stop and listen. They knew everything they needed to know. I slightly feel offended for The Yoga institute and confused that this behavior would even happen in that space.

I have found that less words are needed to communicate and that most conversations are completely empty calories. They feel good to have but without connection you run out of things to talk about. I have a hearing loss so paying attention is very important for me. I had to completely exclude myself from classmates so that I could take notes. I am not mad at my classmates or fellow volunteers for talking. I simply look at it as they made different choices for me.

At the end of the day, I feel good about my choices and relieved that I can’t say I was a victim to someone else’s. I have to simmer the love that I have for people because I love like my mother. I love you so much that I will do whatever you don’t so you will love me. This layer is falling off of me in sheets and I am lighting getting lighter. In my twenties, I used to write poetry about puppets and how their string would be cut. Lately, I have been wondering if I was predicting back then about this feeling because my heart feels free.

Day 128: Cardiac and Hypertension Pt.1

I went to a camp today where the attendees all had an issue with their cardiovascular system. The age ranges were from their 20’s to their 60’s. It was a shock to see someone as young as their mid twenties already struggling with their heart. It was a wake up call for me because my grandmother passed away at the beginning of last year with a long history of heart conditions.

My grandmother loved baking pies, cookies, old fashioned sweet for Christmas time. She had things hidden in cabinets after being diagnosed with diabetes. I kept thinking that I would not do something that extreme and perhaps the desire would disappear completely because too many of those items could kill me. However, they are bad for me right now and I still can’t help myself because sweets and bad food surround me constantly. It seems the more that I try to pull out of this habit, the more that the foods I’m trying to avoid appear.

I feel like I need a shirt that says, ‘Please don’t force food on me,’ because every where I go there is some new food item being put in front of me. I could say no but in Indian culture it is rude to say this and my friends are very insistent that I try it. And, of course it is aways an amazing treat, but every time it feels like I put another tick mark in the times I ate something even though I knew I shouldn’t. It’s also a form of self-sabotage that keeps me from my goals so if I were to blame my friend what would be a lie.

Although, I have cut refined sugar out of my diet for the most part, I still crave ice cream and cream cheese frosting. These two things are constantly available to me and it takes so much will power to not go into the kitchen and grab one or both. We had a snack, Halwa, yesterday that was an alternative to sugar, jaggery. It had a sweet taste without the chemical taste of refined sugar. There were cashews in the mixture as well.

The Cardiac camp had me thinking about my own lifestyle and that no matter the amount of mindfulness you bring into your life, there will always be something that you can adjust. I need to be more mindful of the amounts of food I bring in and the times. For the most part, my diet is completely good with my shift towards primarily vegetarian a few months ago. I have started to learn that eating smaller amounts of food 4-5 times a day is more helpful than just eating 2-3 larger meals.

Day 127: Television

I live in a household where the television is on 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. There are 3 TV’s in a less than 1200 sq. ft space. I used to find myself on the couch watching anything that remotely sounded interesting. If i got sucked into a program or series, I could pretty much forget about getting anything other than work completed. I have noted 3 ways that you can ween yourself off of the television and get back to some more productive past times.

1. Is this serving an educational purpose or am I trying to zone out?

I have found that most of the time I’m watching television not to make my mind stop but to put it on pilot mode and sit back and enjoy the ride. This is not a healthy form of consumption. Anything which enables the body to not be active causes a problem. We wonder why we require stimulants like coffee, dietary supplements and tea. Our brains are taking in information but no one is there guiding the thoughts. It may be an interesting story but this could also be looking at as one of the failures of yoga practice. Television could be tied to gossip, wrong conversation or the wrong crowd.

2. Being conscious of how much time you spend sitting down in front of a screen.

Our television come in a wide range of sizes. The larger ones found in our living and bedrooms and the ones that we carry with us everyday in our pockets or purses. Some phones makers have now taken partial responsibility for this new culture of social avoidance and narcism by placing takers on the time you spend on your phone and what you spend time doing on your phone. Huge time eaters in today’s world is YouTube and Facebook. We consume millions of minutes a day watching people smear makeup all over their faces and blow stuff up but rarely engage our minds on our dreams and goals. I haven’t met many people that have said that they wanted to be a YouTube addict when they grew up.

3. Start counting the number of people you verbal speak to a day.

When on the train or in a car, it is easy to forget that the outside world exists. People have now become dependent on their phones for the communication with friends and family to where they don’t speak out loud for long spans of time. While it is important to maintain silence and not waste your words, speaking verbally to others or yourself is important. If you never use your voice, you may forget you have one. People that don’t speak up are usually preyed upon by others that look at their silence as weakness. Don’t become so quiet that you don’t use your voice even when you are supposed to.

It is easy to fall into the binge-watching world of Netflix, Hulu and Amazon but don’t forget that there is a whole out there full of social environments that might interest you. Recreation can include some television or screen time. However, when you start to notice a habit or a pattern, make a different choice as too much of anything can eventually turn bad for you. If you are a complete screen addict, I highly recommend something that is made by National Geographic or start watching the documentaries about the world we live in. People have forgotten our relationship to Mother Earth so watching these types of consumable media will hopefully get you off the couch and back into nature.

Day 126: This Next Generation

When ever I think about the generation behind me I get very excited and nervous about our future. In many ways, this next generation has already lifted the doors off of centuries old judgements and mindsets. On the other hand, it seems at times that they want a society with no rules but create rules even within that society. To speak about philosophy and innovative ideas is completely exhilarating, but counting on many of these Gen Z to follow through with an idea or even show up is frustrating.

I have recently had a person take photos for my parent’s company for social media and other promotional materials and was shocked at the lack of drive this person had in taking this opportunity. In the United States, most children are out of school and consuming all the marketing for back-to-school. You would think a paying gig would have motivated this person to complete the assignment and be proud of their work. There is almost a false confidence that exists within the youth getting ready to complete high school.

One on hand, you have the confidence that they have around friends and peers and then when you take them into a real world situation, they freeze and completely don’t know who they are. This person that took on the job has an incredibly talented eye for photography, but asked if she could use her phone instead. She then wondered why people weren’t taking her seriously. I didn’t even have a chance to be angry or disappointed because I was shocked at the collection of photos that were sent to me.

Then, you have these free-loving souls that are breaking the limits placed on gender and sexuality. They impress me with knowing about current topics and even historical ones. They speak from a place of knowing where they want the world to go. You can tell by the expressions on their faces while speaking that they can actually see the world they want. After experiencing that, I’m completely all in and inspired to see what they do with what my generation does with the world.

I’m starting to shed off the idea that I alone can fix and that the entire world’s problems are my problem to fix. As I do this, I am starting to hear other’s solutions and becoming more solid in what my purpose is. I want to simply make this world a better place by helping people of all ages create calm when needed and focus when it is required. The everyday stresses that I put on myself are becoming less and my mind while always going 1,000 MPH is starting to slow down to about 700 MPH. I am a part of this change in thinking. I’m sure that during my very short lifetime this far, I have changed someone’s way of thinking. I would like to think that there is at least one person’s life I have changed forever.